The Inevitability of Weakness In Strength

I remember being a child and alot of people thinking I was overly sensitive. I would point out everything that people around me were doing wrong. Even the smallest things. I was meticulous about my shaming. What people did not know is that I suppressed the real reasoning behind my discontent in fear of seeming disrespectful. In the African-American culture it is oft viewed as disrespectful for persons under twenty years of age to voice concern at the gravest sins of adults forty years old or older. As a child I did not appreciate some older adults gossiping about my parents in front of me- everything from my parents’ weight to relationship issues were under the microscope. I refused to respectfully come and air my grievances about the disrespectful behavior exhibited in front of a child to the accused. A child who did not want their parents talked about in harsh ways in front of them. I don’t think I was sensitive.I was tired of people waiting to gossip about my parents when my parents walked away and I was still in the presence of the accused. The audacity. The gall. These are the same accused that still cry foul about why I never had a personal relationship with them. Are they serious?

Some relationships are this way. They are twisted. Some people still want you to have some kind of relationship with them even when they are the source of the type of pain even the meanest people in the world would not dare utter. Insult me. I have never told some people this. But the very violators of my trust already know their years of missteps that have led to a lack of relationship with me today. I noticed that they have just started to, after twenty plus years of rudeness, watch how they speak about my family in front of me. Upon the ceasing of this egregious behavior I said to myself that I forgave the accused when they started saying these things so many years ago. That does not mean that I respect them enough to entertain their presence on a daily basis. My past experiences have clearly shaped me for the better.

I talked to my mother recently. She said, “Why are you so sensitive”? The truth is that I’m not overly sensitive. Sometimes I am a broken record-repeating my discontent with various personalities as if I can change them. The truth is that God is the only one that can change me or anyone else.

I thought that by going away to college and not speaking to certain persons that I am discontented with would solve the problem of my anger and pain. One of my stints of being away at college occurred from 2013 until 2016. I knew by 2014 that I needed to speak to a counselor about my inability to forgive and move on. I chose not to go. I made excuses as to why I did not go to a session. Always busy with homework or my boyfriend. Never making enough time for my spiritual cleansing.

Other people may never change. But I should be myself and not let their presence overwhelm me or change the essence of who I am.

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The world is cruel. This is reality. Whether you work or live with difficulties the world is cruel. Do you retreat? Do you not say anything?

Personality begats personality. In a world of people who are cruel there are people who are almost always nice. You know them. They smile. They leave people inspirational notes. They fight with their spouse and smile again really quickly. Happy people. Healthy people. It is necessary to have some element of this in your life.

It is necessary to have a tough, commanding presence in order for the world to take you seriously when you are trying to avoid physical harm or when finishing a work or school project done. That does not mean being mean for the sake of being mean. Don’t look up one day and the only reason people are around you is because you have a tangible commodity that will help them. Don’t scare people off. God will judge you and teach you a hard lesson for that.

I want to thank God for sending tough situations to strengthen and mold me into the person that he has me to be.

I look forward to writing everyone again.